Break Me Down
by LordByronMudkippington
Summary: "So break me down if it makes you feel right." Putting yourself on an island is easy enough, but it can feel impossible to leave, especially if you're not allowing yourself to. A companion piece to my previous lyricfic, Unstable, but it's not required to read it to understand. Lyrics are from "Breakdown" by Seether. [Art by Noelclover.]


**Author's Notes:** I had already intended to create a companion piece to _Unstable_ when I wrote it, and here it is! This one is based around the song "Breakdown" by Seether, with some repetition again removed so it doesn't seem so... well, repetitive. While this is a companion piece, this one takes a different path than its sister, but with a similar feel. Since that one was in the POV of Nico, this one will be from Maki's. Enjoy!

* * *

 _The sun is gone and the flowers rot._ You don't feel great. Of course, that leaves a whole spectrum of ways you could feel, but today you feel decidedly negative. Looking out the window, you see the weather must feel the exact same way, as dark gray clouds coalesce together in the sky, the sound of thunder rumbling into your ears. You press your face against the cool glass and sigh softly, watching and waiting until the first drops of rain start to fall to the silent ground below. Your friends may believe you to live in a house so extravagant, it might as well be a castle, and you are its princess, but really you feel as if your mind is the castle, and you're trapped within it.

Every blessing comes with a curse, isn't that what they always say? For all of the things you do have, it's what you don't have that you want the most: control. Not control of others, but of yourself, your mind. It's because of your accursed mind that you have trouble socializing, even with those you call friends. When you put yourself on a self-imposed island, you know that it's selfish to expect someone to come save you. Then why do you still expect it? The rain is coming down harder now, and you can feel it pounding inside of your very soul. It's not the first time you wonder why you can't interact well with others. It certainly won't be the last.

 _Words are spaces between us._ You're arguing again. It's become such a common occurrence that you can barely remember a time without the sharply-barbed words flying between you two. Yes, of course it's her that you're yelling at. No one else makes you feel so annoyed, so low, so... alive. You hate that you feel that way. She's such an annoyance that at times you don't even want to go to practice because of how much you can't stand her, but you go regardless because you can't stand to be apart from her. The contradictory feelings only serve to make your stomach churn, and all it does is engender bad feelings between you two, and the rest of the group.

You feel like a petty child whenever you argue with her, but you don't know how to stop, and she doesn't seem to have any desire to either, so it keeps going on, day after day, until you find yourself actually ill. It hurts, the action of emptying the contents of your stomach in the bathroom, but not as much as how she makes you feel. Of course you'd be found by someone. You know that Umi only wants to help, but you're too embarrassed to admit how much all of this is affecting you, so you lie. Her face lets you know she doesn't believe you, but she won't push the issue. No one will.

 _And I should've been drowned in the rivers I've found of token lost._ Everything is your fault. At least that's how you feel. All of these arguments could have been avoided if you could've just told her how much it hurt you to hear her say those things, but you can't, and you won't. How hypocritical it would be to admit such a thing when you yourself say similar things to her. A sudden rainstorm left many complaining about its shocking arrival, as many had not brought an umbrella to compensate, but you'd left yours in your locker days ago. It was the perfect opportunity to magnanimously share it with her, to apologize while she was forced to be alone with you. When the day ended, however, you just let her pass. You let her walk unprotected into the rain. You felt absolutely miserable.

 _And I should've been down when you made me insecure._ It was worse the next morning. In a fit of misery you decided to just go home without the umbrella, and now you're paying for it with an actual sickness. You're cold, shivering, and feeling incredibly low, so you're kept home from school. Maybe you secretly wanted that to be the case anyway. You needed a break. However, you have a visitor, to your great surprise. Rin bounds in with her usual energy to check up on you, to make sure you're doing alright, something you do appreciate, though you don't admit it. Even less likely to be admitted is that you wish it was someone else who was checking up on you. No, you would never admit such a thing, not even to yourself, though internally a small voice cries vainly into the churning winds of your heart, wishing it was her making sure you were okay. You tell Rin to leave quietly, that you need your rest; you have no energy to put any emotion into it. Luckily she doesn't question it, and she leaves you alone to brood, to sulk, to cry silently and in peace.

 _So break me down if it makes you feel right._ When you go back to school, people secretly sneak glances at you. You'd never missed a day before: how did the daughter of a doctor get sick? Because she's stupid, you think bitterly to yourself, but it wasn't a question anyone asked directly. It was merely you talking to yourself. When practice rolls around, the stares had stopped. Luckily everyone had gotten bored of that and gone onto the next thing, leaving you alone within your own thoughts. Unfortunately, you can't stay stuck within your confused and turbulent mind when there's practice to be done. At least, you shouldn't be stuck, but you are.

It affects you during practice. You didn't want it to, but then again you didn't want a lot of things to happen that already occurred. It's something that wouldn't be completely perceptible to the average fan, but your slightly sluggish movements and occasional missteps catch the attention of your fellow idols. It's her that brings it up, though. It's her that tells you that you're moving slowly, that just because you were sick doesn't give you the excuse to fall behind. This is the point where the anger would rise, where you would tell her off, but the fires of rage are no longer stoked. They feel put out, extinguished without any means to bring them back to life. Nobody is practicing anymore. They're staring at you, and at her, waiting for the argument that's surely to come. You won't give it to them, though. You pointedly ignore Nico and tell everyone that you should all get back to practicing.

 _And hate me now if it keeps you alright._ Nozomi stops you after everyone has left for home. You expected this, but it doesn't make things any less worrisome. Out of everyone in the group, she's the only one you feel that you can't truly fool. You're too invested in keeping up this facade though, so you won't crack. She asks you if everything is alright, and you simply say that you must be still feeling the effects of yesterday's sickness. That seems like a good enough excuse, and you could even believe it yourself. She doesn't look convinced, which annoys you. Why can't she just believe you?

She starts to ask if it's something going on between you and her, but you don't let her finish. With renewed energy, you tell her that nothing is going on, especially between you and her. Absolutely nothing. Concern lingers in her eyes, and you feel bad for being rude, but you don't want to vocalize everything that's actually going wrong, so without another word you turn around and leave. She doesn't stop you, thankfully. It seems like that happens a lot lately. You're no longer sure if it's for the best. As far as you can tell, the person who causes you such daily confusion hates you, and that's all there is to it. What more can you do? You can't fix it.

 _You can break me down if it takes all your might._ At home, the sun tries to shine through the curtains, all in vain. You don't want the daylight reaching your room. That would be too weird of a contrast with your current mood. Staring at the wall, absently twirling a lock of your hair with a finger, you try to fill your mind with positive thoughts. You don't need her and her mocking tone, or her cocky attitude. When you attempt to go over all of your strong points, all of your talents, you feel narcissistic. How are you supposed to do this? You're strong, though. You can move on, move forward. You're strong, you're dedicated... _'Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye._... You're a liar.

 _And I'm the one you can never trust._ Maybe everything is your fault. You've felt that way at times, and that particular thought is rearing its ugly head once again. How can you expect people to believe in you if you don't give them the same courtesy? It's with this in your head that you speak to Nozomi again, catching her alone in the student council room. You want to say that things aren't going well, and you need help fixing them, but the words won't leave your throat, and once Nozomi gets over her surprise towards seeing you there, you've lost your nerve. Unfortunately, you now have to explain just why you're there, if not for your original purpose. Without thinking about it, you say you're worried about Nico.

 _'Cause wounds are ways to reveal us._ You didn't mean to, but the words just tumbled out, and now you have to make up an explanation. You lie, of course, and say that her scrutiny of others belies her own struggles. What you're saying doesn't make much sense, but Nozomi seems willing enough to play along. You try to give a better description of what you mean, but then Eli walks in and shame floods your body. It's bad enough having failed to be honest in a one on one scenario, but two on one? You can't do it. When Eli asks you why you're here, you mumble something about practice and bolt from the room, scarlet growing on your cheeks. You hope that Nozomi doesn't say anything.  
 _  
And yeah, I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us._ You begin to once again reason with yourself, or rather fight your own sensibilities, that you're actually not at fault for all of this. No, it's her fault. It's her fault for being stubborn, for being ignorant, for dragging you through this emotional state without any support. Choosing to ignore the hypocrisy glazed over every thought that comes to mind, you try hard to concentrate on your schoolwork. She's so full of herself that she'd never notice anyway. You've done everything you could, and it's time to move on. You have more important stuff to deal with. _But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours._

So break me down if it makes you feel right.

Practices are a lot quieter now, at least compared to how things used to be. You're no longer missing steps, and she's no longer berating you about them. In fact, she's not speaking to you at all. That's for the best, though: it makes things easier to concentrate on. Occasionally you notice Nozomi looking your way, but you ignore that. There's nothing wrong, and there's no reason for anyone to step in and force the issue.

 _And hate me now if it keeps you alright._ Even if she loathed your very being, it didn't matter. After all, who cared about the opinion of someone so self-absorbed? Those thoughts keep you at ease, and practice gets easier, as does interacting with your fellow idols. Sure, nothing truly has changed, but it feels like it has. You pride yourself on any conversations you find yourself able to start with others, few and far between they may be.

 _You can break me down if it takes all your might._ Everything will be okay. If you say it enough, it'll be true, right? Nobody gives you those worried, concerned glances anymore, not even Nozomi. That brings you a sense of relief. With another practice coming to a close, you head home. Nobody asked you to go anywhere, and you don't bother to invite yourself. In your room, your hands have a mere moment of mania, and unwillingly you look down at the picture in your grip. You didn't want to take it, but she had forced you into the shot, her radiant smile contrasted quite nicely with your surprised and indignant look. You smile despite yourself, gently running a finger across the two faces within the shot. A drop of water lands on the picture, and you consider getting an umbrella, but as another drop, then another fall onto the snapshot, you know how powerless you truly are to stop the rain. _'Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye._


End file.
